*DISCLAIMER*
As of August 30, 2021, the author of this blog continues to seek weekly guidance and counseling from a licensed, cognitive behavioral therapist who specializes in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and bodily focused repetitive behaviors. The author remains clean and sober from any of the negative happenings documented below.
My hearts races as the sound of footsteps makes its way through the hall. Upon closer inspection, my ears detect the lone pitter-patter of Harmony, my Shetland Sheepdog. “Safe at last,” I think, although not an ounce of peace has yet to grace my noisy mind.
It’s a terrifying world living with a compulsive addiction. Minute by minute, the mind plays games. “How long can I keep this a secret?” “Will they see the marks?” “Will they force me to seek the help that I’m not ready to seek?” Skin picking can take on many different forms and while some may wonder, “what’s all the fuss?” hearing me complain about daily struggles with my skin, I have to admit that it’s all a part of the twisted game my mind loves to play.
Part of the satisfaction in keeping the compulsive habit alive and well, lies in my own, edgy, risk-loving nature. The late night binges in the bathroom mirror, followed by my OWN footsteps treading ever so carefully back to bed before waking a single soul, are thrilling in the creepiest kind of way. Attempting to go several hours in a day before making eye contact with anyone is accomplished while appearing busy at the computer, the kitchen stovetop, or reading a gripping book on the psychology of men and dating. But then the mind rears its ugly head again. “What if they notice that I’m acting funny, purposely avoiding eye contact? Will they suspect it’s due to this awful addiction?”
I try hiding the marks with tinted acne creams, blemish concealers, or anything that will remotely return my face to it’s natural glow. Even when I’ve hidden all the evidence of fingernail scratches, and tweezing facial hairs until I have dark, ugly scabs, the feeling of unworthiness is still stronger than ever. Just knowing that as soon as I wash my face, the marks will yet again be visible, is enough to send me spiraling into a downward cycle of depression and loneliness. And then there’s sobriety. Having the courage to clear up all the evidence for a special occasion like Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas at my aunt’s house, is also, part of the twisted mental maze that I spend most of my days trying to weasel out of. Staring at perfectly clear skin gives the illusion that I’m somehow sober, that the desires to self harm are non-existent, when that is not the case.
Even when my skin is clear, the desires to self harm and compulsively pick my skin, never really leave. So I’ll leave you with this one final thought. If you are currently fighting the same urges to compulsively pick YOUR skin, know that there IS a way out of this morbid mental maze. You must be willing to get deep and personal with yourself and ask yourself what your personal motivation is for achieving lasting sobriety. I am committed to achieving sobriety for longer than just today because I dream of becoming a successful writer. I dream of being able to publish books on topics that are inspiring and uplifting. And while they often say that you write some of your most powerful pieces in times of despair, I don’t want to leave behind a legacy of great works, written solely during a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. No. I dream of leaving behind a legacy of positivity and beauty, one in which my readers will know I valued myself. I deserve so much more than to hurt myself and so do you. So please, go forth and speak your worth. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what it is that YOU deserve.